It is terrible to speak well and be wrong. - Sophocles

 

 

Isn't it a shame that future generations can't be here to see all the wonderful things we're doing with their money?

 

 

All religions must be tolerated...for every man must get to heaven in his own way. - Epictetus

 

 

I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. - Frank Sinatra

 

 

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I feel all the time. - Steven Wright

 

 

Never miss an opportunity to say a word of congratulations upon anyone's achievement, or express sympathy in sorrow or disappointment. - Lyndon B. Johnson

 

 

It is a rough road that leads to the heights of greatness - Seneca

 

 

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. - Marilyn Monroe

 

 

When you say a situation or a person is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God. - Charles L. Allen

 

 

A little more persistence, a little more effort, and what seemed hopeless failure may turn to glorious success. - Elbert Hubbard

 

 

We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how to respond to them. - Epictetus

 

 

You never really learn much from hearing yourself speak. - George Clooney

 

 

There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. - Nelson Mandela

 

 

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives. - Euripides

 

 

To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

 

 

Diversity of worship has divided the human race into seventy-two nations. From among all their dogmas, I have selected one, Divine Love. - Omar Khayyam

 

 

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow. - Chinese Proverb

 

 

Is freedom anything else than the right to live as we wish? Nothing else. - Epictetus

 

 

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing. - George Bernard Shaw

 

 

If I can't have what I want, let me want what I have.

 

 

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.

 

 

Good works are links that form a chain of love. - Mother Teresa

 

 

But my body was like a harp and her words and gestures were like fingers running upon the wires. - James Joyce

 

 

Let him who would enjoy a good future waste none of his present.

 

 

You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give. - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

Wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants. - Epictetus

 

 

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. - Mahatma Gandhi

 

 

A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. - Robert Frost

 

 

Do you dream in colour? Or is that just a pigment of your imagination?

 

 

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

 

 

Apparently, "vegetarian" is an old Indian word for "bad hunter."

 

 

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. - George Bernard Shaw

 

 

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. --Winston Churchill

 

 

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. - G. Gordon Liddy

 

 

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. - Ronald Reagan

 

 

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers

 

 

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! - P. J. O'Rourke

 

 

Self-respect is the cornerstone of all virtue. - John Herschel

 

 

In a restaurant: "Open seven days a week and weekends."

 

 

A poster on a bulletin board: "Are you an adult who cannot read? If so, we can help."

 

 

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

 

 

Always buy good shoes and a good bed because if you aren't in one, you're in the other.

 

 

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a payment."

 

 

Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it - but sail we must, and not drift, nor lie at anchor. - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

 

 

Reality is a product of our dreams, decisions and actions. You have to believe in yourself when no one else does. That makes you a winner right there. - Venus Williams

 

 

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We can hear you coming."

 

 

I know there is a God and I know He hates injustice. I see the storm coming and I know His hand is in it. But if He has a place and a part for me, I believe I am ready. - Abraham Lincoln

 

 

Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

You don't have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great. - Zig Ziglar

 

 

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

 

 

I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat. - Sylvester Stallone

 

 

History is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies and misfortunes of mankind. - Edward Gibbon

 

 

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure. - Russell Baker

 

 

Sorry, I’m allergic to bullshit. - Will Smith

 

 

Circumstance does not make the man; it reveals him to himself. - James Allen

 

 

Where love is, there God is also. - Mahatma Gandhi

 

 

Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

 

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER".- William S. Burroughs

 

 

One thing I know: the only ones among you who will be really happy are those who will have sought and found how to serve. - Albert Schweitzer

 

 

Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. - Mother Teresa

 

 

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

 

 

It is folly to punish your neighbor by fire when you live next door. - Publilius Syrus

 

 

Hatred is an acid that corrodes its container. - Tonya Baker

 

 

The principal mark of genius is not perfection but originality, the opening of new frontiers. - Arthur Koestler

 

 

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. - W. C. Fields

 

 

If there is love, smallpox scars are as pretty as dimples. - Japanese proverb

 

 

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

I have been impressed with the urgency of doing. Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Being willing is not enough; we must do. - Leonardo da Vinci

 

 

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

 

 

Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions. - Dalai Lama

 

 

It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. - Aristotle Onassis

 

 

Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds that you plant. - Robert Louis Stevenson

 

 

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart. - Helen Keller

 

 

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt

 

 

Happiness resides not in possessions, and not in gold, happiness dwells in the soul. - Democritus

 

 

If you accept the expectations of others, especially negative ones, then you never will change the outcome. - Michael Jordan

 

 

To unpathed waters, undreamed shores. - William Shakepeare

 

 

Believe you can and you're halfway there. - Theodore Roosevelt

 

 

The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible. - Arthur C. Clarke

 

 

I hated every minute of training, but I said, 'Don't quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.' - Muhammad Ali

 

 

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength. - Arnold Schwarzenegger

 

 

Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'! - Audrey Hepburn

 

 

If you live in my heart, you live rent free.

 

 

True friends face in the same direction, toward common projects, interests, goals. - C. S. Lewis

 

 

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. - Woody Allen

 

 

There's an old saying, 'Neurotics build castles in the air and psychotics live in them.' My mother cleans them. - Rita Rudner

 

 

There are three things I never want to hear again on a first date, 'So...how much cash do you have on you?' 'Wow! You're a big girl!' and 'Wanna hold my gun? It's loaded.' - Jennifer Fairbanks

 

 

I had general anesthesia for my surgery. It's so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like in college. - Ross Shafer

 

 

Money talks. Mine says "I'm leaving."

 

 

I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again. - Dennis Leary

 

 

The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows. - PG Wodehouse

 

 

Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts catching up with Mother Nature.

 

 

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street. - Elbert Hubbard

 

 

Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily. - Napoleon Bonaparte

 

 

Marriage: is finding that one special person you can annoy the rest of your life.

 

 

Sex is like going to the gas station. Sometimes you get full service, and sometimes you have to go to self-serve.

When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS".

When you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper.

If the Government can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay the Government not to raise taxes?

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. - Dave Barry

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like and do what you'd rather not.- Mark Twain

Can you cry under water?

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

I diet religiously: I eat what I want and pray I don't gain weight

I once gave a waiter a tip - I told him never to step off a moving bus. - Groucho Marx

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good. - Drew Carey

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Sometimes, you wonder if people think with their asses. Sometimes, you know.

Mine Shaft: What a German calls his dick.

Believe it or not, every fool you meet is the end result of millions of years of evolution.

I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still working.- Lord Birkett

A question for the ladies: 'If women are so perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?

Two thousand pounds of human hair fell off a passing truck on the Pennsylvania Turnpike, and blocked the roadway today. State Police are still combing the area.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. - Voltaire

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Sex is a two-way treat. - Franklin P. Jones

There are two types of people; those who cannot make money and those who cannot keep it.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

It's a good thing beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core. - Phyllis Diller

Don't be irreplaceable: if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

A sharp dagger only wounds the flash, but a sharp tongue can wound the spirit.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. - Bob Hope

Life is a near-death experience. - George Carlin

Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country. - Steven Wright

A day wasted on others is not wasted on one's self. - Charles Dickens

Everything has been figured out, except how to live. - Jean-Paul Sartre

Do not attempt to conquer the world with force, for force only causes resistance. - Lao Tzu

Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power. - Eric Hoffer

Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions. - Albert Einstein

The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned. - William Somerset Maugham

The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another. - William James

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - The Buddha

We may have our private opinions but why should they be a bar to the meeting of hearts? - Mahatma Gandhi

A tree that is unbending, is easily broken. - Lao Tzu

God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. - Reinhold Niebuhr

Dare to do things worthy of imprisonment if you mean to be of consequence. - Juvenal (Roman Poet)

It’s not enough to be busy. The question is: What are we busy about? - Henry David Thoreau

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it. - Somerset Maugham

One who has any faith in God should be ashamed to worry about anything whatsoever. - Mahatma Gandhi

This is like deja vu all over again. - Yogi Berra

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. - Albert Einstein

ANGER is but one letter short of DANGER.

We are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead, nor to tolerate any error so long as reason is left free to combat it. - Thomas Jefferson

I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

What's another word for Thesaurus? - Steven Wright

I don’t want to be your whole life ... just your favorite part. - Unknown

The bird of paradise alights only upon the hand that does not grasp. - John Berry

Is there anything sweeter than hanging out with your dog and getting to do all the talking?

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

If you left me without a reason, don't come back with an excuse.

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense. - The Buddha

Reason and judgment are the qualities of a leader. - Tacitus

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him..."Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. - Steven Wright

May flowers always line your path and sunshine light your day. May songbirds serenade you every step along the way. May a rainbow run beside you in a sky that's always blue. And may happiness fill your heart each day your whole life through. - Traditional

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. - Steven Wright

May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand. - Irish Blessing

All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them. - Galileo Galilei

May love and laughter light your days, and warm your heart and home. May good and faithful friends be yours, wherever you may roam. May peace and plenty bless your world with joy that long endures. May all life's passing seasons bring the best to you and

I know that you're nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. - Winston Churchill

Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet. - Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. - George Burns

May God grant you always...A sunbeam to warm you, a moonbeam to charm you, a sheltering Angel so nothing can harm you. Laughter to you. Faithful friends near you. And whenever you pray, Heaven to hear you. - Irish Blessing

A life lived in fear is a life half lived. - Anonymous

Fear makes strangers of people who would otherwise be friends. - Shirley MacLaine