Cell phones really can increase you efficiency -- just turn them off!

You should eat to live; not live to eat. - Socrates

Recommend to your children virtue; that alone can make them happy, not gold. - Ludwig van Beethoven

A Hospital is no place to be sick. - Samuel Goldwyn

Men always pay more for car insurance because women don’t get blow jobs while they’re driving.

According to certain sources, more and more people are attempting over-ambitious sex positions and failing. To be honest I couldn't give a flying fuck.

The Pope is the only person in the world that has to give a two week notice to God.

Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody. - Benjamin Franklin

There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread. - Mother Teresa

Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well. - Voltaire

Give Honest and Sincere Appreciation. - Dale Carnegie

Your beliefs do not make you a better person: your life does

The responsibility of tolerance lies with those who have the wider vision. - George Eliot

Tolerance implies no lack of commitment to one's own beliefs. Rather it condemns the oppression or persecution of others. - John F. Kennedy

In matters of conscience, the law of the majority has no place. - Gandhi

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong. - Voltaire

Motivation is what gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas.

Friendship must dare to risk, or it's not friendship. - Captain Jean-Luc Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation

That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation. - Talmud (Jewish Wisdom)

Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself. - Confucius

Do not do to others what would anger you if done to you by others. - Isocrates

I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously. - Hubert Humphrey

No one is to be called an enemy, all are your benefactors, and no one does you harm. You have no enemy except yourselves. - St. Francis of Assisi

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude. - William James

If your plan is having no plan, do you have a plan?

There's a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. - Morpheus from the movie The Matrix

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course. - Lee Trevino

Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must first be overcome. - Samuel Johnson

Money talks. Mine says "I'm leaving."

Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. - Otto von Bismarck

Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves. - Abraham Lincoln

The dirtier the diaper is, the itchier your nose gets while changing it.

Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf. - Jack Benny

A prudent question is one-half of wisdom. - Francis Bacon

The wise man doesn't give the right answers, he poses the right questions. - Claude Levi-Strauss

The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change. - Richard Bach

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I don't think about dying, its the last thing I want to do.

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." - Eleanor Roosevelt

A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.

The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men. - George Eliot

Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything. - George Bernard Shaw

You can't stop the music, nobody can stop the music. - Village People

A job interviewer asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I said, "Ideally, suspended with pay."

Shoot a few scenes out of focus. I want to win the foreign film award. - Billy Wilder

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. - Anonymous

"Worry" is a word that I don't allow myself to use. - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Life is too important to be taken seriously. - Oscar Wilde

Life is too important to be taken seriously. - Oscar Wilde

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

You know you're old when everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work. - George Burns

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Say not always what you know, but always know what you say. - Claudius

Live and let live. - Yiddish Proverb

The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. - Dale Carnegie

Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by incompetence. - Napoleon

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

Say not always what you know, but always know what you say. - Claudius

It never occurs to some people that there is a big difference between giving advice and lending a hand.

There is no happiness where there is no wisdom - Sophocles

Storms make trees take deeper roots. - Dolly Parton

Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts. - The Buddha

When you’re wrong admit it. When you’re right, shut up.

It usually takes three weeks to prepare for a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain

Courage and perseverance have a magical talisman, before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish into air. - John Quincy Adams

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Rules for happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for. - Immanuel Kant

Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.

Ingratitude is the essence of vileness. - Immanuel Kant

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be. - Anne Frank

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

It doesn't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You must do the things you think you cannot do. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Meanness doesn't happen overnight.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

A man (or woman) who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

A tree that is unbending, is easily broken. - Lao Tzu

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.