Could we change our attitude, we should not only see life differently, but life itself would be different. - Katherine Mansfield

Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. - Lily Tomlin

Had the Mayans been any good at predicting the end of the world they would have seen the Spanish coming.

Collective fear stimulates herd instinct, and tends to produce ferocity toward those who are not regarded as members of the herd. - Bertrand Russell

In this world there is always danger for those who are afraid of it. - George Bernard Shaw

What is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? - Albert Camus

If today was perfect there would be no need for tomorrow.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president. And anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. - Johnny Carson, 1925 - 2005

It's the most unhappy people who most fear change. - Mignon McLaughlin

Happiness doesn't depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude. - Dale Carnegie

Happiness depends upon ourselves. - Aristotle

We must become the change we wish to see in the world. - Gandhi

Prepare for the unknown by studying how others in the past have coped with the unforeseeable and the unpredictable. - George S. Patton

Failure can be bought on easy terms; success must be paid for in advance. - Cullen Hightower

In order to preserve your self-respect, it is sometimes necessary to lie and cheat. - Robert Byrne

We usually see only the things we are looking for - so much so that we sometimes see them where they are not. - Eric Hoffer

There is one great and universal wish of mankind expressed in all religions, in all art and philosophy, and in all human life: the wish to pass beyond himself as he now is. - Beatrice Hinkle

Happiness comes of the capacity to feel deeply, to enjoy simply, to think freely, to risk life, to be needed. - Storm Jameson

Rich people plan for three generations. Poor people plan for Saturday night. - Gloria Steinem

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be - Rita Rudner

 

 

Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs. - P.J. O'Rourke

 

 

Ever notice how it's a penny for your thoughts, yet you put in your two-cents? Someone is making a penny on the deal. - Steven Wright

 

 

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce

 

 

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. - George Carlin

 

 

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in quiet. - Bill Cosby

 

 

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. - Jerry Seinfeld

 

 

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed. - George Carlin

 

 

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

 

 

Over prepare, then go with the flow.

 

 

Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

 

 

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy. - Bob Hope

 

 

No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

 

 

Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps its mouth shut.

 

 

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

 

 

Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

 

 

Believe in miracles.

 

 

What other people think of you is none of your business.

 

 

Forgive everyone, everything.

 

 

Always choose life.

 

 

Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter."

 

 

Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

 

 

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them. P. J. O'Rourke

 

 

If you want a new idea, read an old book.

 

 

A reflection of good science is that a step forward opens up a lot more questions. - Dr. Joshua Akey

Don't Limit Your Challenges... Challenge Your Limits. - Anonymous

The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches, but to reveal to him his own. - Benjamin Disraeli

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. - Steven Wright

There is absolutely no inevitability as long as there is a willingness to contemplate what is happening. - Marshall McLuhan

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

MONOLOGUE: A discussion between man and wife.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." - Steven Wright

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

Virginity is not dignity; it's lack of opportunity

 

 

Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

 

 

A good name, like good will, is got by many actions and lost by one. - Lord Jeffery

 

 

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. - Steven Wright

 

 

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

Conventional people are roused to fury by departure from convention, largely because they regard such departure as a criticism of themselves. - Bertrand Russell

Don't try to be different, just try to be good. Being good is different enough. - Arthur Freed

Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The first step in the evolution of ethics is a sense of solidarity with other human beings. - Albert Schweitzer

Some people think I say innapropriate things. I prefer to think of it as brutal honesty.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names. - John F. Kennedy

Ham and eggs ... A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

If you are always dwelling on trouble -- it's time to change your address.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. - Steven Wright

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. - Tex Guinan

 

 

Don’t vote; it only encourages them. - Author Unknown

 

 

Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. - Gore Vidal

 

 

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. - Aesop

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. - Plato

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. - Clarence Darrow

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. - Author Unknown

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. - John Quinton

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. - Doug Larson

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. - Oscar Ameringer

There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. - Will Rogers

If G-d wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. - Jay Leno

A society that gets rid of all its troublemakers goes downhill. - Robert A. Heinlein

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. - Henry Cate, VII

If you are not willing to learn, noone can help you. If you are determined to learn, none can stop you.

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. - Will Rogers

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. - Charles de Gaulle

I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything for myself that I could pay others to do for me. - W. Somerset Maugham

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are. - Marianne Williamson

Prejudice is a raft onto which the shipwrecked mind clambers and paddles to safety. - Ben Hecht

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. - Benjamin Franklin

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will. - Robert Frost

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins. - Dave Barry

Project Manager: Some who thinks that 9 women can complete a baby in 1 month.

When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.

You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the vacuum cleaner.

Never make fried chicken in the nude.

Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find someone.

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.

When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not nearly as gratifying.

Joan of Arc heard voices too.

As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

Today, I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.

I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. - E. M. Forster

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. - Jack Lemmon

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

For man with no forgiveness in heart, life worse punishment than death. - Miyagi from the movie Karate Kid 2

You must unlearn what you have learned. - Yoda from the movie Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Every man dies, but not every man really lives. - William Wallis from the movie Braveheart

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right. - Isaac Asimov

Do what you feel in your heart to be right. You'll be criticized anyway. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm. - Abraham Lincoln

When people get caught up with that which is right and they are willing to sacrifice for it, there is no stopping point short of victory. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

We Rise by Lifting Others

Fools rush in where fools have been before.

It is better to travel well than to arrive. - The Buddha

A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving. - Lao Tzu

Fuck is the duct tape of the English language.

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. - Charles M. Schulz, 1922 - 2000

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them. - Leonard Louis Levinson

It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.

What people believe prevails over the truth. - Sophocles

To know yet to think that one does not know is best; Not to know yet to think that one knows will lead to difficulty. - Lao Tzu

The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance - it is the illusion of knowledge. - Daniel J. Boorstin

Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance. - George Bernard Shaw

10 percent of life is what happens to us 90 percent in life is how we handle it.

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread...They offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. - Viktor E. Frankl